wellness

“Mom brain” and “dad brain” describe a real difference in how parents process family life: mothers tend to think circularly—holding every need at once—while fathers tend to think linearly, one task at a time. It isn’t a character flaw or lack of love. Understanding the biology behind it helps couples stop blaming and start dividing the mental load by strength. It’s Not You. It’s Not Him. It’s Biology. *Disclaimer: I celebrate all gender identities and what I am about to say is intended to inspire and make you laugh with your partner. It’s okay if what I share is not true for you and your marriage…these are just my thoughts and reflections. One of the greatest gifts of working with moms in-person is the conversations we have! Over the years, one topic has been a constant and common thread in EVERY conversation: how we, the moms, think about, plan and anticipate daily life is 180-degrees different from our partners. And the most striking part is that every mom's story about how her partner thinks is almost identical—yes, even for Ken and I. Early on in my mothering journey, I attended a lecture at my daughters' school. With my little one asleep on my chest, I sat and listened to a talk that ultimately changed my life. Entitled, “The Overwhelm of Boys,” delivered by Kim John Payne. I went expecting to learn more about raising my children, and instead, I walked away with a shifted understanding of my husband. As I made my way home, I called him at the restaurant where he was pushing out a Friday-night dinner service (we often joke about the number of times I’ve done this over the years!). I simply said, ‘I’m so sorry I have talked over you all of these years—I understand now that you need more time and space to think.” There was total silence on the other end of the phone while the clatter of the restaurant echoed in the background and then a quiet, “thank you.” I got to thinking…what if we put these truths out in the open? We could understand one another better, communicate more effectively, and co-parenting can actually become fun! So, here are the not-so-secret secrets we all need to acknowledge and grow with: Men and women are fundamentally different creatures with every respect for self-identity and gender identity. Acknowledging our differences helps us learn, grow, and lean into each other’s strengths. Men think linearly. Women think circularly. And moms multitask like bad asses. We anticipate needs, we see the laundry, read the emails, catch the falling cup, and bounce the baby with one hand. In my experience, our brains almost function better in this arena—we just become more efficient when we have babies. By contrast, male brains begin to smoke if you ask them to operate like this. Men focus on singular tasks, but they DO the task all the way through until it has a bow on top. And, here’s the kicker…they won’t see or think about anything else while they are focused on said task. Meaning, the toys scattered across the living room, the dishes in the sink, the dinner that needs to be prepped…they are not pre-wired to see more than what they are doing. They can learn, but that is a relationship and co-habitational skill that you develop together. One of the biggest pitfalls of marriage post-babies is that we are both overwhelmed and wanting the other person to think about all the needs of the home and family the way we do. When the other person doesn’t show up the way we expect, we slip into blame, which leads nowhere but down. Divide and conquer based on your strengths, not what is “fair.” Most dads (like Ken) feel great accomplishment and a sense of deep self-value through the completion of a project. Most moms (including myself) are planning and creating the environment of our home and how each system will best meet our daily family needs. Our winning solution? I plan the systems and Ken executes them. For example, new shelves for the girls’ closet that will better fit their bigger clothes and storage needs—I envision it, describe it, shop for it, he makes it happen. No fighting. I plan it. He builds it. It works. Moms talk it out. Dads need quiet…in order to process their feelings. I call it “downloading” to Ken. It took him YEARS to be able to sit with me while I unleashed the workings of my brain and not get overwhelmed or try to fix everything. Conversely, it took me YEARS to learn that when I talk at this pace and breadth, he needs hours to silently process everything. He will ultimately come back with a really supportive and insightful response, but only if I give him the quiet time he needs to get there. The faster we talk at the dads, the quicker their brains shut down their verbal center. They literally can't form a sentence. And, when they are quiet, what do we do? We talk more and faster at them because we process this way. They really need quiet space to get their thoughts together and form a response. Learn reflective listening: It saved our marriage, truly. Fried mom and dad brains do not process accurately, which makes for sticky relationship communication. Reflective listening is when your partner is speaking about something, you simply repeat back what you have just heard. Literally, “ I am hearing you say ______.” And then, you check, “Is this accurate?” This technique slows everything down and makes sure you are hearing each other correctly. It cuts down so much frustration. Prioritize each other’s need for friend time: Men need to be with men just as much as women need to be other women. But, when men become fathers, there is less social support for them in this area, especially if you don’t live close to where you both grew up or have family close by. I put all of my weight and support behind Ken spending untethered alone time with his friends doing dude-like things that I honestly would never want to do—flying in his friend’s tiny plane, sleeping in a hammock on the beach without a shower for two days or even scrubbing the deck of a boat. In return, he puts his full weight and support behind my moms’ night out for guacamole and margaritas, where we get to talk as fast and on as many different subjects as our spinning mom-brains can cover…and no one gets overwhelmed. It’s like 6 months worth of mom-talk therapy rolled into one night! At the end of the day, embrace and love the differences. They are your mutual and complementary strengths—you can both thrive in parenthood, marriage, and play with each other’s patterns instead of struggling over them. When the wheels start to come off, lead with curiosity and give each other the benefit of the doubt …and always remember, you’re both doing your best! x Keep reading: The Science Behind Building Healthy Habits as a New Mother The Mama Mental Load: Managing Motherhood's Invisible Weight RM Thrive — the Revolution Motherhood method Start your free trial with Revolution Motherhood →